In the Depths of Self Doubt.. A Savior Who Can

I really don’t like myself. I hate that I’ve struggled with the same trials & sins for years and years. I hate how good Satan is at knowing my weaknesses and how quickly I fall into his trap. I hate that I’m overweight. I hate how long it takes me to progress.

.

I hate how easily I let simple things, like reading my scriptures and praying, slip out of my routines. I hate how flaky and anxious I am. I hate feeling like people take pity on me.

.

I hate feeling like I’m constantly letting people down, especially my husband and family. These are the thoughts that flow on repeat through my mind everyday. It’s really easy for me to admit all of the things I really don’t like about myself-- and sadly, it’s nearly impossible to find things I like.

.

Sometimes I sit awake late at night and try to imagine meeting my Savior. I imagine a familiar face, welcoming embrace, and tears of relief and gratitude. I can already feel that it will be the greatest moment of my life.

.

But then what? What happens next?

.

Do you ever imagine what it’s going to be like to be judged by our Heavenly Father? To review our lives—everything good and bad included. All of these thoughts come flooding back and I immediately feel ashamed and scared. There is no way that a perfect Being will allow such a person to live in His presence. So where will I go?

.

I belong to a church that preaches about the infinite atonement of Jesus Christ. I’ve learned about my Savior and what He has done for each of us since I was young. I believe with my whole heart that Jesus Christ can heal any wound. I’ve traveled across the world to teach about this atonement and the power Christ has to forgive sin and make all things right before our God. I’ve seen that power work in and change MANY lives.

.

So why don’t I witness that miracle in my own life? I wonder why I keep struggling with the same things. When will my weaknesses be made strong? When will He heal my depression and anxiety? When will I witness the power of His love in my own life—to replace such negative thoughts with thoughts of peace and comfort?

.

I don’t know the answer. I don’t know that I ever will. But something about Jesus Christ pulls me in so deep that it’s impossible for me to turn my cheek to Him. I’ve witnessed His miracles in too many lives to be able to ignore Him. I might not recognize such miracles in my own life, but I’ll never forget the feelings I get when I learn about Him. When I seek Him out through scripture, song, and prayer. He is different and I can feel it.

.

I believe in a Savior who has the power to heal all wounds. I believe in a Savior who knows how to fix me. I believe in a Savior who will make my efforts enough. I feel Him. I know He lives. And because of Him, I will never give up in this mortal battle.